horoscope for people who never pick up their phone

lucky number: 39
 
lucky charm: batteries and rubber bands, particularly when kept in one’s pocket
 
auspicious entity: postcards with horses on them, pendrives containing heavy metal music, a box full of fresh strawberries.
 
predictions and advice:

• the yellow raincoat looks best on you. remember if you hear news about a storm, do not panic. some clouds can sense it, and might stop over for a cup of tea.
• clicking your fingers three times while whistling will send out a signal into a very specific spiritual realm for deceased birds. do not try at home, unless you are very polite.
• be nice to your best friends’ grandparents. unless you know they’re abusive, in which case, be extra nice to your best friend.
• having a box of cassettes in the attic is a personality trait, regardless of what your partner says. it is also a personality trait that you must not be ashamed to cultivate when the time calls for it.
• you have the potential for great amounts of bravery, if you can believe it. please believe it.