horoscope for adults who drink cocoa

lucky number: any whole number between 10 and 99 that ends in 4.
 
lucky charm: false teeth. dentures work, but so do vampire fangs leftover from halloween.
 
auspicious entity: mackintosh boots, a mixtape made by a friend, a napkin stolen from a restaurant that you visit often.
 
predictions and advice:
 

• apparel that is dark green, worn on thursday, will attract the energy you want in your life.
• don’t trust things that give you a reason not to trust them. this includes the elf in your garage, by the way.
• sometimes a tenner is just a tenner. other times it is a gateway to another world. be brave.
• there’s a step that you always skip when coming down the stairs. keep skipping it.
• don’t let anyone tell you you’re too old to do the things you enjoy doing. unless, of course, you’re gambling with the elf in the garage, in which case – you’re too young for this. come back in around 300 years.