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horoscope for adults who drink cocoa

1/29/2020

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lucky number: any whole number between 10 and 99 that ends in 4.
 
lucky charm: false teeth. dentures work, but so do vampire fangs leftover from halloween.
 
auspicious entity: mackintosh boots, a mixtape made by a friend, a napkin stolen from a restaurant that you visit often.
 
predictions and advice:
 
  • apparel that is dark green, worn on thursday, will attract the energy you want in your life.
  • don’t trust things that give you a reason not to trust them. this includes the elf in your garage, by the way.
  • sometimes a tenner is just a tenner. other times it is a gateway to another world. be brave.
  • there’s a step that you always skip when coming down the stairs. keep skipping it.
  • don’t let anyone tell you you’re too old to do the things you enjoy doing. unless, of course, you’re gambling with the elf in the garage, in which case – you’re too young for this. come back in around 300 years. 
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horoscope for people who live in a place that has seasons, for now (for emilie kneifel)

1/29/2020

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lucky number: 99
 
lucky charm: ice cubes –  preferably an odd number. ashtrays used for objects other than cigarette butts, such as paper clips.
 
auspicious entity: magazines from 2015, any hairclip given to you by a 7 year old, old family photographs.
 
predictions and advice:
  • sustainability isn’t like arithmetic, by which i mean, don’t do your calculations on rough sheets of paper or in the margins. calculate where the problem is, in the exact same space.
  • your body, your brain, your heart and your hands may all have different messages for you. do not play the mediator. trust all of them, and let them work it out themselves.
  • a secret handshake with a mythical creature may prove helpful at this time.
  • if you want to light a cigarette and a dragon offers you their flame, regardless of how polite they may be, refuse. refuse kindly but firmly – you do not want that sort of debt hanging over you.
  • your actions have consequences, which is fine. that’s what keeps the world spinning, after all. believe in the innate goodness of people. don’t get into a fistfight with your shadow. you’ve got this. 
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horoscope for people without a fixed aesthetic

11/5/2019

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lucky number: 35.7
 
lucky charm: anything that glows in the dark, and anything that used to belong to somebody else that was gifted (or, as the case may be, regifted) to you.
 
auspicious entity: mismatched socks, or mismatched shoelaces, or, if you are bold enough -mismatched shoes. accessories on the right hand, any necklaces, and anything that’s held together with cellotape.
 
predictions and advice:
  • the bus ride is only as long as your playlist is. listen to the songs that make your heart feel like a whole human nestled in your chest.
  • there’s ambient energy hovering over your right shoulder – it’s in your best interest to befriend it.
  • don’t tell anybody what your favourite colour is. avoid answering the question.
  • do you have a favourite animal? if you can, visit them in the flesh, tell them you love them. ask them to bless you. don’t leave without the blessing. 
  • be whoever you want to be. you can shape your reality, and if you believe in it hard enough, the people around you will fall into its sway, too. haunt them like a forest of willow trees in the dead of night.
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horoscope for people who wanted to dye their hair when they were teenagers but their parents wouldn’t let them

11/5/2019

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lucky number: 959
 
lucky charm: corks from wine bottles, blurry polaroid pictures, cut-outs from the back of cereal boxes.
 
auspicious entity: CDs that don’t work anymore, any arbitrary objects found in your desk drawer that you don’t remember buying
 
predictions and advice:
  • do the impulsive action, but leave a note to your future self right before you do it.
  • if you see a ghost, wave politely. if the ghost waves back, formulate a secret handshake (with the ghost’s consent, naturally.)
  • liquorice is either your best friend or your worst enemy. you get to decide.
  • are you considering starting a podcast? the answer is Yes.
  • youth is just an idea, a concept. something you can chase whenever. you’re never too old to feel young.
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horoscope for people who never pick up their phone

10/7/2019

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lucky number: 39
 
lucky charm: batteries and rubber bands, particularly when kept in one’s pocket
 
auspicious entity: postcards with horses on them, pendrives containing heavy metal music, a box full of fresh strawberries.
 
predictions and advice:


  • the yellow raincoat looks best on you. remember if you hear news about a storm, do not panic. some clouds can sense it, and might stop over for a cup of tea.
  • clicking your fingers three times while whistling will send out a signal into a very specific spiritual realm for deceased birds. do not try at home, unless you are very polite.
  • be nice to your best friends’ grandparents. unless you know they’re abusive, in which case, be extra nice to your best friend.
  • having a box of cassettes in the attic is a personality trait, regardless of what your partner says. it is also a personality trait that you must not be ashamed to cultivate when the time calls for it.
  • you have the potential for great amounts of bravery, if you can believe it. please believe it. 
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horoscope for girls who laugh too loud

10/7/2019

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lucky number: 15.72
 
lucky charm: newspaper cuttings, paper clips, broken fridge magnets
 
auspicious entity: milk teeth (preferably your own, if not, to be given with consent and not stolen), chewing gum wrappers (especially pink and green ones) and bottle cap openers.
 
predictions and advice:
  • if you want a certain type of jacket, buy it. some options include denim jackets, leather jackets, patchwork jackets and jackets a shade of green that make them look as if they’ve been woven out of moss. if your mother asks if you’re in a gang, say yes.
  • learn a new song. learn it intimately, until every second of it feels like being in a familiar place. one day you can make a home out of it.
  • one of your internet friends might just be a werewolf. do not be afraid.
  • carry a box of matches in your pocket. just in case. the likelihood of you needing to use it is very small. its main purpose is protection.
  • don’t ever quiet down for anyone. if somebody says you are too unwieldy to love, tell them that it’s not your fault that they have a low love capacity. if someone says they love you, trust your gut.
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horoscope for people who’ve never broken a bone

8/23/2019

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​lucky number: 55

lucky charm: strings of yarn, unravelling woollen sweaters

auspicious entity: things otherwise forgotten, such as corks from wine bottles, bottle caps, cigarette stubs, candles burnt out all the way, etc. 

predictions and advice:

• if you are on the fence about getting a tattoo, now is probably a good time to go for it and get the task done.

• poodles will either want to be best friends with you, or believe themselves your sworn enemies. watch your back.

• vampires may be exceedingly jovial with you for the next five months. you must believe they have no ill-intent, unless they reek of mildew, in which case remember to fling garlic at their face when they least expect it. 

• trust the weather forecast at own risk.

• believe in love and kindness. remain soft and gentle. there is a core of warmth within you that serves as a beacon for migrating birds in the spirit realm. allow yourself to do nice things without feeling the need to prove something via your actions. 
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horoscope for people with knobbly knees

8/23/2019

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lucky number: 67
 
lucky charm: stones found on sidewalks, spare bits of chalk (particularly if coloured)
 
auspicious entity: sunshine and songs and art depicting the same.
 
predictions and advice:

  • jackets with more pockets may be most beneficial to you at this time. remember to keep warm and listen to the signs your body provides you with.
 
  • when you open windows to let fresh air and light in, spend a few minutes gazing outside as well.
 
  • everything you’ve dreamed of is within your grasp, if you can believe it.
 
  • if you encounter any dragons, give them a shiny object, such as a coin of your national currency. if you meet any fae, be polite but do not oblige or meet their demands.
 
  • chimney sweeping as an occupation may, once again, be considered fashionable. wear red for best results, but if you have asthma or similar ailments, consider taking up gardening instead. plant herbs for best results. 
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    Divya Iyer

    Divya Iyer is a queer, nonbinary poet and writer from India. They are fond of frogs, playgrounds, libraries and blanket cocoons, and have no idea what gender is, so don't ask. They know nothing about astrology, but when they were 10 one of their friends said that they had the power to predict the future, and as you can see, ten years later, they're still not over it. You can find them at @ divwhine on Twitter. 

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  • Home
  • ABOUT
    • HISTORY
  • CONTENT
    • POETRY
    • PROSE
    • ARCHIVES
    • MUSIC
    • COLUMNS >
      • TIMEFIGHTERS & UNBELIEVERS
      • unearthly horoscopes from your dreamy, vaguely occult ghost
      • Heartworms
      • Just Sucking
    • INTERVIEWS
    • REVIEWS
  • CONTACT