"Dear H" by Ben Togut

Ben Togut is a queer poet and singer-songwriter from New York City. His recent work is published or forthcoming in Mumber Mag, The Offing, Hobart, and elsewhere.

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Dear H

​
I scrub flies from the shower,
dark shapes from cheap tile.

I can’t enjoy autumn—any moment you’ll text.
I make playlists to fill the quiet.

I listen to Joni but I only think
of summer, your easy smile.

Do you remember that day
in Iowa City, the light in the trees?

Today I learned you ended your life.
Today I went back to the old house,

stood at the same intersection
where I stood on so many mornings.

At the edge of your life, did you search
the night for meaning, for one last star?

I lie awake. I wonder how we fare
in this project of living.